Santa Clause Diaries – Case of the Missing Easter Bunny.

It was a balmy March afternoon in the Caribbean, where my little yacht “Bootylicious” was moored in a lovely little secluded cove, away from the prying eyes of the paparazzi. It is also a great little spot for some swimming too. The warm waters are so inviting. I was throwing a little party in honour of Ms. Tootsie, the newly crowned Bunny of the Year. She is a beauty, that girl. We were having a jolly good time, Tootsie and I, toasting her success.

Then suddenly out of nowhere, something comes flying out of the sky and plonks right into my punch bowl, splattering juice everywhere. Scared the shit out of everyone. They thought they were under attack from one of those terrorist buggers. These humans are paranoid as hell. After calming them down, I managed to fish out whatever it was from what remained of my punch. It turned out to be one of those darned Owls Mother Nature, or Minnie as I like to call her, uses to deliver messages. I mean, she really should keep up with the times. Sometime I feel like I’ve lost my right hand when I don’t have my Blackberry with me. I gave her one for last Christmas, but she just keeps it on her mantelpiece. Ah, some people never change. Anyway, she said it was urgent that I meet with her, so I had to cut short the party and go see her.

She was agitated as hell when i got there. It’s been like that ever since these global warming problems cropped up, but today, she was hyper. It seems that the Easter Bunny has gone missing, and she wants me to find the bugger. You know, that really get’s on my nerves. Just because I stalk little kids and maintain a naughty and nice list, why does everybody think that I can find their missing stuff? Death loses his scythe and it’s “ooh Santa can you find it?” The Sandman loses his sand pouch and it’s the same thing. Bah, what am I? Sam Spade. I was about to say no to her, which is not exactly an easy thing to do, when I remembered that Easter is just around the corner, and if the silly little Bunny isn’t found by then, somebody else has got to do his rounds, and the way Minnie’s brain works, that unlucky bastard would have be me. I am definitely not doing that silly little Bunny’s Easter rounds, so I thought I might as well investigate, before I’m forced to something that I’ll regret for the rest of my life.

Off I went to the scene of the crime, to check the Bunny’s lair. If you thought the bugger lives in a hole in the ground, then you’d be very wrong. The Bunny knows how to live life to the fullest. It’s an old manor house built to Victorian architecture, with hundreds of rooms. Unfortunately he got it onto his head to do some interior decorating and made it into an eyesore. So typical. The silly bugger just loves to live it large, but doesn’t have a creative bone in his body. Don’t ask me where he gets the money from, but supposedly he’s a genius when it comes to investing.

I thought I’d start out by questioning the house staff first. According to the butler, the Bunny went to bed that night, and by morning had completely vanished. In my opinion, the Bunny must have eloped with some chick and probably having a merry old time on some private beach somewhere, but, nobody seems to be interested in that theory. Checked out the master bedroom and couldn’t find anything suspicious. However there was a strong smell of Jasmine in the room. There was something familiar about the smell, but I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. Checked with the butler, but he says that “sire never used jasmine scent”. It just adds weight to my theory that a chick was involved. The only other unusual incident was that everybody in the house had slept late in the morning.

After a bit more rummaging in the bedroom I came across the best clue of the day. A little bit of sand spread between the bed sheets. This was not your normal everyday sand, but the magical kind. So now I had a suspect. Only one person uses sand like that and that’s the Sandman. Makes sense too. What better way to guarantee stealth, than putting everyone to sleep. No wonder the staff had trouble getting up in the morning. This was going to be easier than I thought.

Next in line was a visit to the Sandman, and I could see immediately that he was a nervous cat, like someone trying to keeping a big secret. He’s not exactly the brightest of the bunch, so planning out a kidnapping is not his forte. I mean, he’s only awake four hours a day, and even then he’s not fully there. Then it hit me. Everything was falling into place and I kind of figured out who the mastermind was. The Sandman was a lackey of non other than the Tooth Fairy. It also explained the Jasmine Perfume, which is her favourite kind. I wanted to confirm my suspicions before I told Minnie, and I was in no mood to entangle with a hot tempered, tooth hurling nut case, so I thought I’d better interrogate the Sandman first, and get all the details from him. I knew he’d be easy to crack. Sleep deprivation, that’s the key. There’s nothing to it if the person tends to fall asleep every 5 minutes. I kept him awake for 1 hour straight, and he began to spill all the beans. These guys may know magic, and act tough, but when it comes to crime, and holding under pressure, they suck.

It seems that the Bunny has been up to no good. He had started out this investment scheme and convinced both the Sandman and the Tooth fairy to invest in it, offering high interest rates. When will people learn that there is no such thing as easy money? He had taken the money and invested in an alleged Diamond mine, which turned out to be full of dirt. Stupid long eared rodent. He got scammed himself. They should have known better than to trust that Bunny. And then they are surprised when he lost the money? What more can you expect from a playboy who loves to paint Chocolate eggs all day long eh?

Now, if you screw the Sandman, nothing much to worry about, because he’s not really the type to come after you for revenge. But the Tooth Fairy? Oh boy, she’s a completely different story. She’ sexy as hell, but her temper is like an erupting volcano. Many a times that the Sandman had to use memory spells on little kids after she scared the shit out of them. Several years of anger management therapy, but I still don’t see any improvement. She’s someone that you do not want to mess with. You screw with her and she’ll rip open several new holes in your nether regions. According to the Sandman, she was really pissed with the Bunny for losing her money and had come up with the plan to teach the Bunny a lesson. They had sneaked into the mansion that night and the Sandman had used his sand to put the Bunny and the rest of the household to sleep, and the Tooth Fairy had whisked him away to her place, and put inside one of her dungeons to rot forever. I can tell you this, I was not the one going over to her place to rescue the bunny, and face her wrath. Let Mother Nature handle her, after all, she’s her daughter. I gave all the details to Minnie and told her where she could find the Bunny. If she wants him, she can bloody well go and get him.

Well another case is closed, and I’m back where I ought to be. On board my little yacht, cruising around the Caribbean. Come to think of it I’m getting quite good at this sleuthing business. Maybe I should think about starting a PI business. Hell, I keep doing it anyway so why shouldn’t I get paid for it. No more freebies. Last I heard, Minnie intervened and got the Bunny released from the clutches of the Tooth Fairy. However, it was under agreement that the Bunny will pay all the money he owes, even if he has to sell of everything he owns. Oh well, a happy ending I guess. The Bunny will do his Easter rounds and I’ll be partying with my other Bunnies, wink wink. Ho Ho Ho...




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