Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Weird Marvel Characters and What Nots

I have neglected ze old bloggie for awhile, being literally out of words. Couldn’t even come up with comments for other people’s blogs :(.

Anywhoo, one of the sites I enjoy going through when I, er... need a break from work is the Marvel Universe Character bios. Yes, call me strange, but that is me :P There are some very strange characters in there, but this one certainly deserves a double WTF.

Meet Bessie, the HellCow.

A three hundred year old, cow who was bitten by Dracula, roams the earth hunting for blood. Oh did I mention that she/it, or whatever you want to call it wears a cape. Yes, a cow with a cape. Wonder how the heck she got it on with her hoofs and all. Did someone tie it for her? If they did, who was it?

What’s more funny is the profile info they have one the site.

Bessie was born three hundred years ago and was owned by a local Switzerland farmer named Hans. One night Dracula searched through the local Swiss town, but could find no one to feast upon, (What about Hans the Farmer?) so he drank Bessies blood. The next morning Hans discovered Bessies lifeless body and buried her. Three nights after she was buried she rose from her grave and swore vengeance on Dracula and his kind. Three hundred years later Bessie found herself in Cleveland, Ohio (How exactly does a cow, albeit the vampire kind get from Switzerland to Cleveland, Ohio, in USA?) where she encountered Howard the Duck (Yes, there is another character, who is a Duck. Looks like an older more evil brother of Donald and Daffy. But atleast he’s an alien from the planet Duckworld. No, they don’t quack, they speak English) who she confused with Dracula and attacked him. (Why doesn’t it surprise me that an undead bovine would in fact mistake a 3 foot talking duck with a flat beak and feet for a full grown human with long canines) Despite Bessies powers Howard managed to gain the upper hand during the battle when Bessie became stuck in a local store. Desperately Howard found a wooden stake and a mallet and drove the stake through Bessies heart, killing her.

Real Name
Too sweet name for a Vampire)

Bovine Blood-Beast, Cowled Cow, Farm Killer, Recreant Ruminant
(oooh, creepeh)

(Didn’t even know that cows had an identity)

Former milking cow
(Didn’t know that it was considered an occupation)


Place of Birth
(A barn belonging to Hans the Farmer?)

Known Relatives
Dracula (transformed her into vampire)
(Just because he drank you blood, it doesn’t make Dracula you relative. What about the other cows? Wouldn’t they feel left out?)

Group Affiliation
(Barnyard Cronies?)


4'6" at shoulder

575 lbs.



Bessie is a vampire and has the ability to fly and could turn into mist. She also has apparently strength and durability far above those of any normal cow. However being a vampire she must suck blood from victims in order to sustain her immortality. She has the basic vulnerablities as other vampires such as religious items, sunlight, wooden stakes, garlic, and other vampire weaknesses.


Seriously, were the writers of Marvel so deprived of talent they had to come up with this?

First of all, Dracula would never stoop so low as to bite a cow, that’s what humans are for. It’s very unlikely that Dracula couldn’t find a human victim to suck upon. It’s a disgrace on the noble vampire nation.

But I guess that someone must've loved her enough to publish the comic. Each unto their own I say. I'm pretty certain that somewhere out there is a kid with a Bessie the HellCow poster hanging on his/her wall

Let the weird ones rule

(Profile info and images thanks to

Cheers y'all :)


Anonymous said...

Bessie the HellCow... LOL =D

How exactly does a Vampire cow swear revenge on the Vampire race? Killing herself? Hik...

Nice pastime btw. I didn't even know Marvel had this many characters.

David Blacker said...

I guess Bessie wasn't the only one into grass when this chaaracter was thought up.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha!! Bessie the cow!! What next? A pile of shit tries to take over the world??? LMAO!!

Azrael said...

@Chathuraw - ha ha yeah it's a very nice pastime. Yep, they've got thousands of them.

@DB - I think it was something far worse than grass :D

@Tubelight - Who knows, maybe they already did that idea he he

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