Santa Clause Diaries

Dateline: Bermuda

I can’t believe its bloody November again. How time flies eh? Another few weeks and its back to work for poor old me. Back to Ho Ho Hoing.

Oh well, no complaints, it’s been a bloody good 11 months, I’ll give you that. Ah…I love Bermuda. Although I admit, things were a bit rocky in the beginning, what with me yacht going up in flames. Man I should have never invited those Olsen twins for the party. They were always on the nice list when they were kids, but now they’ve gone just plain whacky. Them and their crazy drinking games. Anyway who brings a bloody flame thrower to a party? Ah shit, I can’t blame those gals, it was one heck of a party though. As always my man Snoop D came through for me. I mean that weed he brought was so fucking good man. I was high for days afterwards. No wonder I never knew the boat was on fire. When they were yelling “The boat was on fire” I thought it was a fucking new dance step, ho ho ho, bloody hilarious. Well, not the burnt out boat part, but still, it was funny.

Ah loved that boat I tell ya. “The White Witch” served me well in all my voyages, and it sure beats that bloody sleigh. It was my little nickname for Jadis. Ayi she was a feisty one, and I admit it, I loved her very much. Broke my heart when she got blown to smithereens by those so called freedom fighters. Bah… I mean, she only wanted to be the absolute ruler of the Narnia. I see nothing wrong with a bit of dictatorship. Well no more toys for fairy kiddies, I can guarantee that hmph…

Well the silver lining on the whole affair was that it gave me a very good excuse to get me hands on a new boat. Ayi, and what a beauty she is. Nothing fancy, just a nice little 250-footer, Ho Ho Ho. That’s more than enough space to have a rocking good time. Took the advice of Snoop and decided to name her “Bootylicious”, after all, this baby has seen more booty in her lifetime than GW has seen WMD’s in Iraq, Ho Ho Ho Ho… No less than 20 Playboy bunnies helped to christen this baby, and what a party that was. Those gals are definitely getting very nice goodies in their stocking this year around. Aaah… good times, bloody good times. Oooh…that reminds me, must send Hughie something special too along with a nice thank you note for sending them bunnies over. Now where the heck did I put me iPhone, hope it’s not gone overboard like the last ten.

Well.. you may wonder who's doing all the toy making while I'm off gallivanting around the world. The Elves? Hah...those lazy bums haven't done any toy making since they unionized. The keyword here is Outsourcing. I'll let you in a little secret. Know all those big toy companies? Well I have shares in them. I get humans to make the toys and give them back to their own kids. he he what a sweet deal. The elves are limited to wrapping the toys and checking the naughty and nice list. Well that's not much of a job since we computerized the system. Oh yeah, we are moving forwards with the times up there in the North Pole. I knew I was doing the right thing when I gave that Gates kid a Electronics kit all those long years back.

Hey, what's that noise? Oh dammit. Rudolph's gotten himself stuck in the mast again. How many times have I told that boy to NOT fly when he's drunk. Oh yeah, he's got a bit of a drinking problem, and you probably thought his nose is red due to some magical cause. Hah I wish. Well I'll have to start him getting sobered up before the big day, otherwise we'll get stuck in Timbuktu like in 2004. Geesh that boy never learns. Oh well, I suppose I better get him down now.




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My apologies to the purists, but couldnt resist myself. :D I mean haven't you ever wondered what the Fat Man does rest of the 364 days?